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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

I'm Not Friends with my Ex


A few weeks ago, I received an external message on Facebook. Glancing at the name for a second and tilting my head in familiarity, I opened it. And after I opened it, I immediately regretted it. This random message wasn't from an old friend I haven't seen since college or a distant relative--this message was from ex-boyfriends mother..

"Hello! I miss you too! How are you? I hope fine. We are all doing very well. Michael and I live in Nashville now! We love it!"


Pause. Let me explain why this infuriates the absolute SHIT out of me....

This relationship that I terminated years ago was moving way too fast. And by way too fast, I mean, his family was asking when we were going to get married and pop out children. I had only been dating this dude for 6 months. Go ahead and marinate on that for a second--six months.

Back in the day when I was circling the dating pool, I immediately would put an expiration date on a relationship if children was something my partner wanted.  Oh?  You want kids?  Yep, we are definitely NOT going to last.  Having children isn't for me (read all about that here).


After letting the relationship die rather quickly, I finally terminated it via text while he was visiting his family for the holidays back in his hometown of Tennessee.  I know, I know--I'm the worst.  Whatever.  After I ended things, I changed my status on Facebook like every twenty-something-year-old girl does.  This caused both positive and negative results.  On one side--people were happy my relationship was over because they knew I was miserable.  But on the other hand, I received Facebook warfare from his family.  They claimed that I put him on blast just because I changed my status from 'in a relationship' to 'single'.  Oh--I'm sorry.  Was I supposed to run that by you first?  My bad...


The whole thing went up in smoke.  I was unfriended from all the members of his family.

Fast forward to present day, I read the message twice and completely declined to accept it.  And because I have difficulty letting shit go without overanalyzing the shit out of it first--I began to do the most epic of breakdowns of the event's that had transpired and what may or may not have motivated her to send such a piece of shit message.  She had started out the message as if I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks versus a few years.  It was such a chummy greeting.  The breakup between her son and I wasn't exactly the best.  I broke up with him over text during Christmas! The worst of the worst! Obviously--I didn't give a shit about your son since I discarded him so carelessly. 



Like a pointless wordy math problem--I just didn't fucking get it.
  

  I couldn't help but feel that it was piles of bullshit caked beneath a fake exterior. 
How am I doing?  You miss me?  Listen to me lady--I haven't talked to you in years and on top of that I was never close to you.  Actually, I was never truly close to any of his family members.  Her comment reminded of that one relative who gives you the most awkward of awkward greetings; 'last time I saw you, you were this tall.'  Yeahhhhh--I fucking hate that and thank you for stating the obvious.  Also-- I didn't experience any feelings of 'loss' once all communication had ceased.  Its not like I lost any sort of sleep when I broke up with your son nor did I shed any tears after disconnecting from you and the rest of his family members.  I know I sound like a huge heartless bitch at the moment, but I'm just being honest.  If I was so broken up about it--wouldn't I have reached out?  The point is--reaching out to me was a giant waste of time.  What purpose was it serving to reach out to me?  You and I hardly know each other.  This all felt like a cheap attempt at creeping back into my life just to see what was going on with me so it can be reported back to the dinner table.  

And I hate when people do that.

I'm not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends.  All my past relationships have burst into flames one way or the other after upon termination.  There was never a mature, clean break from any of them.  After a few 'fuck you's and other colorful choice words'--the possibility of friendship is diminished and beyond any sort of cosmic repair.  There's a reason why we broke up.  That's why you're my ex and NOT my boyfriend.  So the remaining question here is;

Why the fuck would I want to be friends with you?

To give you some much extra perspective of my world--I have to let you in something here--all my past relationships started as romantic instead of something platonic.  Sorry--that's just how it came to be.  Some folks are different--they like to build a foundation from friendship and then pursue a romantic relationship.  I do admit that type of route is wise but it presents an issue in my eyes.   I've never been one to just date someone from my circle of friends because I didn't want to ruin our friendship.  I know its the oldest excuse in the book, but its true.  I'd rather keep my friendship than dismissing them to live in exile with the rest of my past relationships.  

The Ex in Ex-Boyfriend stands for Exile...

Once a relationship has ended--they are exiled.  Permanently.  Now--to play devil's advocate (because that's in league with me traveling to the land of hypotheticals) I have tried in the past to be friends with an ex boyfriend.  But it wasn't entirely upon my own accord.  There's this phrase that my mother uses quite often and you may have heard this quite a bit and that is; 'be the bigger person'. Coining that term during these situations gave me this weird obligation to be mature and nice. And then it hit me after going several rounds in the ring with these assholes--

I'm not obligated to be nice to anyone.   

It's true.  You literally aren't.  My mother's views are obviously different from my own.  She's always about doing the 'right' thing.  She's all about 'being the bigger person'.  As I see it-- my mother is out playing nice with zero grudges.  She's out to be an adult. And here I am having visions of my ex boyfriends getting in a car wreck or contracting a flesh eating virus.  That's because I'm fueled by feelings of anger and resentment.  I can't help it.  That's just who I am.  I'm an angry lady who can't let shit go and shouldn't be obligated to do so.  I've realized now more than ever that as an angry person--things set me off quicker and quicker as I get older--and nothing sets me off more than an ex trying to peek in and out of my life. 

I can't be friends with a person that I can't stand anymore.


 The very last thing that I want is for an ex to be given the freedom of knowing what's going on in my life.  In doing so--I make it a point not to provide any line of communication.  I'm fortunate that I'm able to cut them off the way that I have.  I am not attached to them in any way.  With that being said--I know it's not easy for some people.  There are people who don't want to lose that person since so many years were spent with that one individual.  There are people who aren't ready to let them go--and hey--that's okay too.  But I think the most heart wrenching scenario of them all are those who have had children with their ex.  It's not as easy for them to walk away.



I managed to create a poll on social media just to see how other's would respond to my question; 


Are you friends with your ex?


80%-No
20%-Yes








Maybe I'm horrible or maybe I'm super relatable.  I'm happy with my life.  I don't need someone from my past trying to crawl their way through some loophole hoping to gain information about my life.  So--that leaves me with one question;




Are you friends with your ex?


xx
Meg








1 comment:

  1. Why are you friends with your ex? That is the question I get asked all of the time. It is honestly the hardest thing that I deal with continuously. I know I probably shouldn’t, I know that that relationship no longer serves me.

    How about a little backstory of this particular relationship. My ex and I became really good friends, while his best friend was dating my best friend at the time. Everyone in our group of friends were either married or in relationships, which put us to hang out solo all of the time. I was 22 (29 now) he was 29, things just developed naturally and we were dating within 6 months and living together pretty quickly after. We moved twice for him to have a better career. We adopted dogs together. We had 5 pretty good years together. He had started to work nights and that put a strain on our relationship, but he went back to days and things improved. Middle of last year, I sat with him while he got full dental implants and took care of him. A few months later (October of all months) he found himself interesting in someone new and decided to end it. I had to find a new place, give up my dog because no apartment will take pit bulls.

    Despite all of that I still talk to him. I talk to him to know how my dog is doing. We by no means have a friendship, that is just not possible. I have to deal with his occasional bullshit of oh I miss you and I am sorry for everything. But I don’t trust him, I don’t believe what he has to say. Maybe I still speak to him because I am just too nice, I hear that a lot. He was the first person I really loved, maybe I hold on to a part of him because he knows my full personality and I have always felt comfortable to be myself with him. I am a total introvert so not many people know me on that deep level.

    Maybe I can be friendly to him because I am not bitter. Maybe because I know that not being in that relationship has improved aspects of my life and myself. I have learned a lot from the relationship and all of the aftermath.

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